remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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