I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
