I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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