so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
