She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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