he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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