I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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