So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
