im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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