party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
