i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
