I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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