can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
