I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
3pm strippers are depressing
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
