You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
