Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
