just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
