I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
