Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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