So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
