and she was petting her beer can
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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