remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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