mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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