she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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