no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
