eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
