I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
