am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
