i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
