I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
