someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
