my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I will pee on everything he values.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
