my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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