What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
