Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
