Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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