I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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