He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
