i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
