Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
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bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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