That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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