I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
