No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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