You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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