Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
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I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
foreskin is a definite game changer
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It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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