I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
