When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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