im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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