How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
