She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
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I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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