Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
