I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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