i already hear my dad disowning me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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