i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
