I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
