I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
