Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
