i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
