Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
